Dreams of Being a KAP Man

Ever since I knew what a fraternity was and what Kappa Alpha Psi was all about, It has been my dream. Even before I knew I was always told, "Yep, you are definitely a Kappa, it fits you." Apparently I have the swag for it, and Hey my favorite color IS red. Ahhh Yes the crimson and cream and bow tie wearing, candy cane swinging...that's ME. Or it WAS. =(   I have decided it was best to let that Go. Its been eating at me so Much. THIS was a BIG deal to me, but it's not gonna work, for three reasons it isn't:

• I DO have some anger and anti authority issues. And I won't stand for the bullshit I would have to go through while pledging. I will NOT let ANY men (OR women for that matter) talk down on me like I'm their child. I am 20(will be 21 in October) years damn old, I AM a grown man, and I will NOT stand to have another grown men PADDLE me like a little boy...'cause I already know things like THAT happens when pledging. I have been through ENOUGH in my life to add being HAZED to that list, so no thank you.

• I am GAY. I AM more Out the closet than I EVER been. I am not gonna let me wanting to pledge Kappa drive me back deeper in the closet, outta FEAR of the drama that will arise if my frat "brahs" find out. Now it's no secret and it is un written, but of course a Kappa wouldn't admit it, but everyone knows if you wanted to find a gay FRAT boi, you would have a better chance finding it within Kappas. They are the "pretty boys," to pledge Kappa pretty much requires to you to have that certain smooth style, and a sense of fashion...somewhat of a metrosexual. Of COURSE that's gonna attract some [undercover] gay guys. But those guys are UNDERCOVER...I have NOT heard of an OUT Kappa  WHILE still IN college. [There may be some who are openly gay AFTER pledging YEARS ago, that's different] I do NOT want to deal with that possible drama and homophobia within the fraternity. Even though I KNOW there has GOT to be a whole lot of gay dudes in these fraternities and Not just Kappas. But No I will not be one of them. 

• Before I came to the HARD conclusion to let it go. One of my BIGGEST fear of this subject was to end up at an University where that chapter of Kappas were LAME. And MANNNNN at the college I attend they ARE, they are BORING, and seem stuck up. Their parties always [as I hear through the grapevine] always SUCK. Let's say if my other TWO reasons didn't apply...then THIS reason would have SINGLE handedly been the SOLE reason of me Not pledging. If so then maybe I would have just pledged another fraternity...nope, I can't be a Kappa I DON'T wanna pledge anything else. BUT I will say besides being a Nupe, I would be a Que [Omega Psi Phi]

I have a terrible feeling in my stomach. To give Up something when you really DON'T want too, but you KNOW its for the best....{sighs}