The White Man Made You Gay: In The Mind of A Black Radical

Trying to get more in touch with my people, other like minded intellectual people of black blood. Black political people worried about more than what's going on in pop culture, but having no problems voicing their opinions on race and racism...no matter how radical, holding no punches. I got my wish. Liking many BLACK based Facebook pages in which I end up having to unfollow ultimately when voicing their unwarranted opinions on the black man and homosexuality.  

I've tried, but I have come to the conclusion that those are not my type of people. The radical heterosexual black revolutionaries, activist and philosophers...the problem, these type of people mostly end up HOMOPHOBIC. They have it in their mind that the black man are meant to be hyper-masculine and if any less then he is a disgrace to the African-American race and is weak. The damaging belief that the black GAY man does not exist or that it would not exist unless the WHITE MAN manipulated the black gay man and made it happen. They insist that the white man and pop culture are responsible for emasculating the black man that has in turn made the black man gay and feminine. Because apparently a black GAY man would NOT exist otherwise.  

Forgetting that there is NO rationality in that assumption AT ALL. Looking at all black homosexuals in a bad light, forgetting that many played a part in BLACK HISTORY, which they have no problems ignoring. And I can't for the LIFE of me figure out how could they be so pro-black yet look at their gay/black brother and sister and dismiss them. 

I am able to agree with some of their posts, but many of them are so outrageously irrational that I cannot take it seriously. How they feel about black homosexuality is clearly it. 

I respect the argument that I could have "chose" to be gay [however, wrong] rather than saying I'm gay because "The Man" made me gay. SMH

Welp, they can stove it up their ass...I'm black and gay. It's nobodies fault because ♫ I was born this way. ♫

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Putting Things in Perspective

So last night I put things in perspective...well actually my mother did. Realizing that it's got to be something special coming to our family because we are ALL going through things. It's everyone close to me. I am ashamed that I never thought about mother, father, and brother's problem as a whole.

Everyday I have to deal with the trials and tribulations of being in a long distance relationship with the love of my life. Everyday is a struggle to save money to live together when he has car note, car insurance, and phone bill to pay. And me, not being paid much at my job AND my hours being cut lately. Only talking on the weekends because his job is overnight. His car just broke down yesterday morning so the dollars that were saved up for us is going to have to go to getting that car fixed. And no I'm not blaming him.

My brothers buried marriage [which I have came to the conclusion my "sister-in-law" is a SLUT to put it nicely] my father has been unemployed for months, pushed out because of corrupted managers that simply didn't like him because he wasn't kissing ass. My mother may be FORCED into retirement because a private corporation is buying the medical center formerly own by the state. But this is the "American way" corporations owning everything with more power than the government.

Mother says "there's something good coming to us" and God is on our side. Which is true, yet still thinking about everything as a WHOLE is depressing.

Is something coming...a blessing or just more "hardships" because my patience is being tried. If this is a life lesson, I believe I've learned it by now. God...homie, could you give me a BREAK?

Religion Policing Morals.

I think its very SAD how we let religion define morality.

To let the bible police what’s wrong or bad...will create a bias dysfunctional society. And it has. You don’t need God, Jesus, nor the bible to tell you how to treat ALL people with respect including yourself and be the best and sincerest person you can be. Not every one is religious or even believes in God, but that does NOT automatically make seem an evil person. The bible clearly bases what's wrong or what's right on religious views. But I believe that values that make a good person goes PASS religion and doesn't necessarily have to include religious values. You can be a great person and it would have nothing to do with religion.      

The bible just makes people further judgmental and basing your character on trivial things that has NOTHING to do with how much of a truly great person that individual could be. 

if that person is gay, they may be willing to take a bullet for YOU. So what if a person is atheist, they might be willing to give you place to stay when you are falling on hard times. 

Religion is used to further CONTROL society and give us more RULES to live by that has NOTHING to do with being a great person. 

Throwing Stones Are We?....

Before acting in a 'Holier Than Thou' 

manner, you better make DAMN sure there 

are no bones sticking out your closet.

The Cheater And The Cheatwither

Why do people cheat or better yet why do other people knowing mess around with someone who is taken?

People could cheat for a number of reasons; sexual fulfillment,  emotional fulfillment, or they could actually have the "perfect" relationship, but be taking their relationship for granted and wanting more. Let's talk about the OTHER half of the infidelity spectrum...the ones who the cheater is cheating WITH.

!!!!OUTRAGE!!!!

Outrage, is an epic 2009 documentary about CLOSETED politicians taking part of damaging the LGBT community by supporting  anti-gay legislation. 

A few weeks ago I found 'Outrage' by way of Netflix. It was the greatest documentary I've seen in a while. It sadden me, pissed me off, and made me happy all at once.

Documentary begins discussing the despicable Sen. Larry Craig. A strong supporter of anti-gay legislation, but arrested in a "cruising" scandal involving a public restroom of a  Minneapolis airport with another MALE. In which he plead guilty to, but later denied involvement after scandal was made public. Prior to his own sexual escapades, he also was a big critic of the Pres. Clinton and Monica scandal, stating Bill was a "bad nasty naughty boy" and the American people shouldn't trust him. Multiple men admitting to being sexual involved with Craig despite marriage to wife and pushing the anti-gay laws. 

Then the film discusses Gov. Charlie Crist who also had "alleged" involvement with varies men and was also single. He is believed to have paid for a stand in girlfriend, they "broke up" soon after. When said "ex girlfriend" was asked to comment on Gov. Crist in documentary  she responded saying, "I think I should keep my mouth closed, call me back 10 years from now...then I'll give you a story." Crist continued his support of anti-gay legislation and later married another women. 

My Bias Is NOT With You!

I know I am very late on this subject, but whatever. Recently FLOTUS spoke at a fundraiser and to get straight to the point...she was heckled. Heckle by non other than a gay rights activist who is an lesbian.  

I'm sorry, but  not really. I cannot stand by her, this heckler [such an awkward word, ewww] because we both are gay. She was WRONG and it was an inappropriate time and she only made HERSELF look stupid and crazy. Knowing that the Obamas are the MOST supporting political figures of the GAY RIGHTS MOVEMENT at the moment, why disrespect her like that? 

I want to know if she is "taking a stand" at any other political figures who are PUBLICLY AGAINST gay rights. This women demands executive order from Obama...first of all that Michelle's HUSBAND you should be taking that up with, not her. I feel like she probably won't have the "balls" to actually do it to Barack. Furthermore, she must not understand how politics and the Supreme Court works. That "order" would still have to go through THEM. 

America is getting better with it's gay tolerance  but we are definitely NOT there yet. An executive order would be useless at this time. Pressure needs to be put on SOCIETY, not the president. The major of society is whats shaping this movement right now. And honestly I was EMBARRASSED by Ms. Sturtz  antics.  

Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself...

I  had a long talk with my father because of some shit that was said last Wednesday and as you would guess had a lot to do with me being gay. With him taking shots at,  ”you be looking pictures of naked men and shit, now if it were women…” Blah, blah. It hurt and I told him so. 

We had a long talk with me basically telling him I am gay and it AIN’T no changing it. And I am not gay ‘cause Im choosing it…I am not gay ‘cause I am choosing not be with a female, I am gay because there is NO female that exist that I would be happy with cause PUSSY is not what I want, PERIOD![I didnt say pussy though, of course lol] I told you can’t say you “love” me, but dismiss something that APART of who I am…being gay is NOT a opinion that you can just “disagree” with and everything is still alright, I told him. 

Now my dad is a hardass type of person, rarely affection, but he does let me know that he loves me and my bro often, but I am willing [for now] to take what I have. He has stated “I will support you and want you to be happy, but I’mma still have a opinion about it.” I’mma take that, I ask would he see himself even being at my wedding when that time comes [because it WILL be with a man] he said yes. Time will, if his problem with me being gay is much bigger…IT WILL SHOW!

For the most part I think he is worried about the shit I will have to deal with from people as a homosexual. I told I know all that but I am not toning myself down and being secret because of other people. You have many men with girlfriends and WIVES, but messing with men, because they are ashamed and scared of others.You should be PROUD that I am not and I am READY for this journey. 

And I am still on the journey of coming out, I remember the first person who i came out to…one of my female friends, then my ma [who no doubt is dealing with it better than my father], etc. My older brother is still left to take care of.

But last week a co-worker ask me was I gay, not that it was his DAMN business but regardless I told him yes. 

AND IT FEEL GOOD, SO GOOD TO SAY YES I AM GAY. And I continued on working like it was nothing. 

Now on social sites I have tried to be discreet as possible. Like Twitter and Facebook, IG. But on twitter I started to care less and I got family and co-workers that follow me...shit I used to care about being careful what I tweet and WHO I tweet. Dont care anymore. On my personal facebook I am VERY PRO gay-rights, thats something I used to be scared of doing. I know people be seeing that thinking “hmmm he seems to be pushing that A LOT” to the point of it being suspect, but I don’t care. And IG…with all of my gay ass pictures and shit with my wanna-be-model ass its so clear Im gay lmao

Starting S-FIT-C[Essfitcee] that are acronyms that mean, speaking from in the closet…I don’t really consider me really in the closet anymore. Hell someone asked was I gay at work and I said, YES. lol But I have came a LONG way since my creation of ESSFITCEE. 

Allow me to reintroduced myself, my name is Stephen, founder of ESSFITCEE, and I am a black gay man. 

FIRST IN HISTORY! 1st Active American Athlete Comes Out!

Shouts out to pro-baller JASON COLLINS on his ‘coming out.’ He is currently the FIRST athlete in the history of American sports to be out WHILE being an active player and he’s black! Although he is currently a free agent…will this keep him from being picked up by another team?

THIS is big because not only he's making history...like, period, but he is making history for the black and LGBT community. This could be the beginning of something beautiful. Finally a guy who isn't waiting until retirement to get the balls to come out.  KUDOS to him...I have his back!

But what does this mean for his athletic career? 

Guess Who Had The BEST Week Ever!! !!

It's been TWO years we've been together. Our love is stronger than ever, we talk every day...falling deeper in love with each day. Yet only psychically touched flesh to flesh briefly. Stress in the highest levels because of our inability to see each other  being from different states, conflicting schedules with work and  other crazy obstacles keeping us from each other. Because of the boyfriend's family crisis with his sister and brother in law. he made an emergency travel down to Florida from Atlanta. After the dust settle there it was like God set everything else in place. 

Upon leaving Florida was it a "coincidence" that his brother in law's mother lives in Baton Rouge and asked to drop her off on the way. Everything is too much of a "coincidence" for me not to believe that God wasn't watching out for us. Everything to HOW we met and even back to BEFORE we met. It seems like aspect of our lives since before we even met was leading up to our relationship...just like how everything lead to us FINALLY able to Officially spend quality time with each other. 

Although pain lead up to this, his brother in law was rushed to the hospital, he was left to console a crying older sister. But he is better and BACK at home. The Lord does work in mysterious ways. 

He dropped her off in Baton Rouge, LA and headed to Shreveport, LA to be WITH ME! MY MAN EVEN PICKED ME UP FROM WORK! 

This was Tuesday night, April 23, 2013, he just left today.[sad face] I am blessed to that we were even able to have that time together. We got an hotel..kiss, kiss, and kissed. Laughs, smiled, hugged, and cuddled. And MADE LOVE!

We are BOTH officially NOT virgins anymore and MAN let me tell you, his dick was Sooooo fucking good. To finally have it inside me was the MOST mountain moving ever in my life. Never felt that much pleasure in my fucking life. YES, he fucked me and fucked me GOOD. Gave it to me like he knew I wanted.

Last night, we cried in each other's arms. It's no telling when we will have that time to spend together again.  

The hardest thing was watching him pull off from my driveway on his way back to his home in Atlanta, GA.  

Blood Is Thicker Than Water

What do you when you see someone you look UP to going on a downward spiral in life. Someone you idolize going through tribulations you can't help them with?

My older brother's marriage is falling apart right before my eyes. Before you think "Oh what is he doing wrong?" just because he's the GUY...it's really HER. My sister in law that I have always liked. *Shaking my head*

Now this is where I put the "don't go judging" disclaimer, but it actuality I AM judging her. No my bro has done some wrongs...at least all the wrongs he has TOLD me. But from what I know, he stood and admitted his wrong as a man and as a marriage couple they supposedly "worked it out." But HER deceitfulness is on a whole another and from what I know my brother has never went to such extent as she. 

Now before you think I being bias towards my brother, that is not it. He knows that if he wrongs I WILL tell him as I have in the past. 

I believe, if my memory serves my correctly, that they got married in 2009, was still in high school but was graduating that year. I remember because I came to school hung over from the bachelor party...[yes, it was underage drinking...what YOU gonna DO ABOUT IT?! lol] So married in '09, my brother has been looking through phone records and the locations of the calls...shit ISN'T matching up to where she "SAY" she was at and what she "SAY" she was doing. And apparently the same *unknown* number been coming up since  fucking 2011. A number that SHE IS associated with, but doesn't want her husband to know. WHY IS THAT? Hmmmm.  Now this guy is who my brother is sure is guy that works with her...this guy is apparently just a "get back at chu" guy. You know what that is? He was used for revenge because SHE claims believes that HE was with a women in New Orleans back in 2011. And she STILL believes that. But guess what, HE WASN'T! Want to know I how I know...cause HE, and MY COUSIN came down Baton Rouge to hang with ME when I was in school and we hang out in New Orleans. 

Now they say that the main person suspicious and suspects cheating and falsely accusing is the EXACT one that is cheating.  

And plus that she has ADMITTED to giving her attention to ANOTHER guy  and exchanged SEXUAL phone texts messages with him. She states that she is no more talking to him and THAT is as far as it went. As if it was even OKAY that you sexually flirted with another guy rather it was physical or not.  For MONTHS she has deleted texts, LOCKED her phone, gotten PRIVATE apps and stored his texts THERE. 

Now I only know what is going on from my brother and the awkward night where I, my mom and dad were at their home and they were arguing...won't get in to that, but sounds dysfunctional, right? 

My brother doesn't want me to treat her differently because, "everyone makes mistakes" yea, right mistake aren't continual. But never the less...I will do as he say. I won't TREAT her different, but I FEEL different about her. Yes I love and care for her as apart of my family, BUT at the end of the day...you start hurting my brother, you are not on my good list. BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER. 

The worst part of that my NIECES in the mix of all this. That's the WORST part. This is why I don't have ANY once of respect for cheaters especially when you have a FAMILY. Because if you are cheating on your SPOUSE then you are cheating on those CHILDREN. If you are abusing your spouse then you are abusing those CHILDREN. Every thing you are doing to your spouse WILL affect those children. 

*sighs* well enough airing out dirty laundry....gladly no ones in my family knows about my shit or I would be fucked, lol. 

[apologize for any errors but I honestly don't have any care to make sure this drama filled of an entry is grammatically correct ]

The Honeymoon BEEN Over!

Isn't it funny when you wake up out of your bed and you immediately know that THAT day just isn't gonna be your day? Well  really isn't funny, buy you get the point. 

Today I got my yearly employee evaluation as many have as well. There were 4 levels: 

1. Being OUTSTANDING
2. Being ABOVE AVERAGE
3. Being RIGHT ON TARGET
4. BELOW TARGET

Now although I did not fail this evaluation. My overall rating was '3.' There were SOME things I hit '4' at, those were either things I KNEW I lacked [and don't care]  and the other was a LIE. I mean it not fair at all to "evaluate" on my whole work performance when you are NOT around me 24/7 when I AM doing my job and helping customers. 

April Showers

Loving you is all I need 

Never take your love from me 

Cuz I think I would lose my mind 

If you would go away

 Oh, say you'll never leave my side, 

That forever you'll be mine 

(Oh) April Shower me with your love

~Artist: Dru Hill from "April Showers"~

[And yes, that is an actual image of ME]

Ironic Much?

I'm sorry, but if elementary, middle, and high school American History classes has taught me anything is that America settled on this land [that was stolen from from the natives, but that's another conversation] to have RELIGIOUS FREEDOM from the English which was ruled by the Catholic church.

So how IRONIC we sit here now and denied to right to marry, because people view marriage as between man and women, a point of view in which is supported by RELIGION. That doesn't sound like religion freedom to me at all. Religious freedom is, "My BELIEFS is that marriage is between man and women, but I support the RIGHT to believe otherwise. And will not come in the way of anyone else RIGHTS because of my beliefs."

But, that is not what is happening these days is it? The WHOLE POINT OF THE START OF AMERICA was religious freedom, but deny equality and have painted MUSLIMS as evil people and CONDEMN atheist. Let's not forgot that the freedom of religion is the right to NOT be religious as well. I know I believe  in God and have the LOVE of the Lord in my heart, but I am not going to tell anyone their going to hell when it's NOT my place. 

That is what is happening. I'm gay, so I'm going to HELL? And please tell me when did THAT become YOUR place to tell me. You don't believe in gay marriage...fine, but just because YOU don't believe in it doesn't mean SHIT! Gays exist and they always did. You so righteous, but yet PICK AND CHOOSE what parts of the bible you going to live by. "Homosexuality is an abomination." But IGNORE the other countless amount of sins of the bible...pleeeeeeeeeeease.  *rolls eyes* You hide behind your bible to justify your homophobia like a COWARD!

The bible has turned a lot of our fellow human beings into judgmental, bitter, hypocritical bigots. And that's why I am not a fan of the bible. The beliefs I have in my savior comes from my SOUL, not from a book written by MAN. Now a lot of people would be offended by that...to that person I would say...

FUCK YOU! in the nicest way possible.

What Is Racism?

What Is Racism? 

Is it the white man keeping the black man down? 

Or is it the continuous black on black crime? 

Is it a Caucasian uttering NIGGER?!

Or is it our own brothers and sisters not sticking together? 

Is it a little black boy hung for waving at a white chick?

Or your fellow brother wishing failure on you and hating that you making it? 

My answer, it's all of these...and those are just examples, I could go on and on. 

Racism ISN'T just in white face...it NEVER was.

Europeans just didn't come and TAKE us...we sold ourselves. And not just to America...to Brazil, Cuba. 

We get here and work together to fight for our freedom that we apparently DIDN'T even have in Africa. 

We are FREE! Then...

What we do? Enslave ourselves yet AGAIN...in ignorance. 

Killing each other over colors, rap beefs, Jordans, and other stupid trivial things.

Keeping up mess within our own, bringing each other down on a regular basis. 

We gotta STOP this. 

Because when you think about it, what any racist could do or say to us today is no different from what are already doing to each other.

The Country's Youngest Married Black Gay Couple Vs. Nay Sayers

But I'm sure holding that title means nothing to them. This wasn't a about trying to set a 'record'...they are in love. I know to make this big of commitment this early on in their life, I know their love is real. I take pleasure in seeing shit like this, not only because of the obvious fact that I am indeed GAY, but I know a part of a homophobe DIES with EACH  gay marriage. 

I do not understand that. How can anyone look at ANY true love with disgust? Well, the world being the mixing pot that is...full of the good, full of the bad. As I look on at the comments on the facebook page TheRoot.com.[as you visited you definitely will see a few comments for me lol] It's despicable, some where supportive, some where...disgusted. I could see I am disgusted by those disgusted, but I have learned to understand homophobia. I have learned to see them as they really are; fake, hypocritical, half-assed "Christians" who cowardly hide behind  the bible to justify there homophobia  as the bible was used to justify racism. These people are brainwashed. 

Disgusting!!!! Confused!! Sick!!! 

 Hell on earth

 All of you who are in favor of homosexual relationships need to have your heads examined (It's unnatural)! Better yet, you need JESUS. Your thinking, desires, and actions are perverted and backwards. STOP trying to justify SIN! It's wrong and there are consequences..

So I have learned...or trying to learn to not be so mad at them, I mean that isn't gonna stop them from being homophobia...as them being homophobic ISN'T stopping people from being gay, are they? I don't like it, but what can I do. What can WE DO? Nothing. I am SICK OF US FEELING LIKE WE HAVE TO EXPLAIN OURSELVES! WE DON'T! WE SHOULDN'T BE "FIGHTING" FOR ACCEPTING, LET'S FIGHT FOR OUR LEGAL RIGHTS! I do NOT give a damn who has a problems with GAY PEOPLE, but DAMMIT as long as I have MY RIGHTS AS AN AMERICAN THEN I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. 

There is STILL racism in the country, but we black people HAVE OUR RIGHT'S. There WILL STILL be homophobia, but WHEN we have our rights I won't care. 

My gay people, we are fighting to wrong battle...we CAN'T force or DEMAND anyone to "ACCEPT" us...we DO however, have the RIGHT to DEMAND OUR EQUAL RIGHTS!

Many would say these guys are TOO YOUNG. I won't be the judge of that, I feel I would be doing the same thing of making judgement because they are GUYS getting married. I just DO hope they understand how much of a big deal this is and it isn't just a cute relationship anymore...it's MARRIAGE. I hope they understand that while they may truly love one another, understand that will ANY relationship it takes MORE THAN love. It's more serious with marriage. Are they STRONG ENOUGH? If they don't work....I hope they understand it takes MONEY and a lot legal issues to get a divorce. I know they are not hoping for that, but at NINETEEN? They have a LONG journey waiting for them, so anything is possible...that could be bad or good.  

Rather than to say they are too young, I would rather hope really understand tha responsibility. ESPECIALLY since they are having blogs and news sites talking...if they fail, THEY ALL WILL KNOW. 

I know one thing, I'm only 22, boyfriend just turned 21...isn't too far from them, if we were able hell I'm sure we would be married too, so I cannot judge them on being "too young." 

I wish them the VERY best.

if there is any typos please forgive me, I'm running on adrenline while typing this entry, lol 

The Hardest Thing...

Is knowing in your heart and soul where you truly belong, 

but have no idea how to get there 

or if you EVER will.

I'm still young, I am scared, unsure of my future.

Being A Modeled Guy

It started in middle school when I began to in-bark on a certain level of 'cool.' Being that all the moments before, I admit, I was a mama's boy that was still babied and mom still dressed me. And the fact all years prior I was bullied much. But in middle school...the tables turned and I became THE MAN. 

Although the school required uniforms, because of that I made sure my shoes were on point. Or should I say my big bro made sure. With his "handy-downs" and at the time he was a college student with job so he bought shoes for me as well. I began to get more confidence in my stride. Even in high school, even though I wasn't AS popular, I still had a certain level of 'coolness."  In high school I was more the "everybody knows OF him", but I wasn't THE MAN.

Regardless in was my style, the way I carried myself and MY WALK that made me so known. I was told repeatedly, "You belong on the runway." or "You walk like a model." Yet in high school when it came an opportunity for me to be apart of a fashion for the school...I was SCREWED and didn't get to be apart of it. ME! The guy KNOWN for looking and walking as if he was always on the runway. I was approached and ASKED to be apart of it, but once I got there for the rehearsal it became, "Oh we are FULL now, so we don't need you." What the FUCK!? I sat in the auditorium bitter and pissed, but internally cheering for my crush who  was in the fashion show, but even he couldn't do it like I COULD. No one in that shit had the style I could have brought to it.