If you died Today...

Would you be HAPPY with the life you lived?

My answer, NO! I am NOT where I want to be in my life. I'm continuing to grow as a person and there are things I haven't done that I want to do. I am still young, I'm TWENTY! To many accomplishments YET accomplished. Things out there I have YET to experience. And of course EVERYTHING about me weirdly goes Back to LOVE. I haven't yet to be  HELD,  KISSED, made love too. I just want to experience being OVERALL HAPPY before I die. Before I die, I WILL be happy. If not and I die before then, I will be known as the Ghost of Unhappiness...I will haunt those who are NOT miserable, hahahaha.

I have GROWN so Much

When I think back into the past...the "past" only being within THREE to FOUR  years ago. When I was going through a BIG ass internal WAR within self about my sexuality. Now I feel so much peace in myself...pertaining to my sexuality at least. I am more comfortable with it. I used ask myself IF I would EVER come out, NOW the question is WHEN. I have came out willing to only one person in my actual life [the one I told you all about in this post, and if you read the Other post about her, disregard it/I deleted it. I was speaking from anger and we made up]. And NOW I am seriously thinking about coming out to my mother. I must say myself that I AM moving in the right direction. They say a mother always knows anyway, but to just "know" or THINK is one thing, for me to CONFIRM it is another. To be honest I am not even thinking she won't accept me, but it's just the "taking the risk" of being wrong things being the problem. I remember about a year ago or so...my ma and dad just came from church. I followed her into their bedroom, I asked her how was it. She said, "Good, they had a guess pastor there today..." Ask her what did he talk about, she said BLAH, BLAH..."homosexuality  is a abomination" I was like WHAAAAT?! Now I didn't see any signs that she agreed or not. I know some of these so-called pastors do that, but fortunately I have never actually experienced being indirectly called OUT by a pastor with this ABOMINATION bullshit while at church. I know that shit must fuck up your self-esteem and/or fuck up your emotions. See haven't been to church in a while and I am glad that I didn't go THAT Sunday because I REALLLY WOULD have LEFT during his lil "sermon" I was so bothered I left their bedroom, only to come back a few minutes afterwards. I said to her, "Was that all he talked about?..." She could tell I was bothered. I sat on the the bed, she was already sitting on the bed. Her posture change...it was like she felt that I was surely about to come out to her. She asked me, "What's wrong?" I told that isn't right, he was not preaching SIN, he was preaching homophobia and homophobia is the same as racism. Yea and that was IT...obviously I didn't come out to her that day. But when I think about that day and how she acted like she was SURE I was about to come out...or at least that's what I'm thinking. But yea I am THINKING of coming out to her THIS summer. Will let you all know if I definitely will or not.  Til' then PEACE AND LOVE...A HOMO, hahaha. ;)

Today is the day of REMEMBRANCE.

 Even a soldier must fall...someday. I send out my LOVE to ALL the fallen ones today.

In The Name of Anger

This poem is not for the heartful

But the heartless

For the ones been dishonored

You just wanna lay their body to rest

And PISS ON IT

Well in this moment

I feel everything you feel

And more

Ahhh YES all the blood and gore

The ways I would murder if only

I wasn’t a good hearted person

This anger isn’t enough to do…that

But it is enough for it to be a curse

Upon me

WHY?

Does it seem

The world is out for me

WHEN?

Will things come about

That makes me happy

As much as things

PISS ME OFF!

Left me up

Get me OFF

This earth

This is

Too much

First OFF, I am NOT a killer, haha. This poem is clearly a way of releasing anger after being pissed OFF by my manager at work. Anyone who is really close to me know I have an anger issue. When my family saids I does I deny, but it's only in jokes. In actually I know I have a problem with my anger. And I know the reasons. Not only that it's 'cause I have the same attitude of my father [and YES things like THAT are in genetics] but it's obviously the things I'm going through as well. Just like I said it the poem...maybe if there was shit going RIGHT in my life as much as there is shit going WRONG...then maybe my anger wouldn't even be an issue. If there were things keeping me HAPPY instead of always either pissing me OFF or depressing me, I wouldn't have a problem. Yes I had good times this year, but ultimately this year has been shitty to me. So I have long figured out that my WHOLE 2011 is going to be shitty.  

I have self-esteem issues

I, I...don't feel beautiful. I mean my family who THINK they know me believe I am conceited. YES I do look into mirror a lot, but what am I looking at? I only feel I'm sexy in the mirror when either the lighting is just right, maybe a new hair cut, or I have shades on. I take a LOT of pictures but I don't like MOST of them. I don't like taking close up pictures where I am looking STRAIGHT AT the camera, AT ALL! But I do it anyways...I am NEVER satisfied with the pic. It always has to be the RIGHT angle, the RIGHT lighting. TRUE beauty shines even in their most unappealing moments right? Oh of course I been called cute a couple times, by FEMALES, but obviously its not the same. Yes I been called cute by guys on the net before, but for the most part they are basing THAT on the RIGHT pic(s) I let them see. But their is this one guy who has TRULY made me feel beautiful [the guy I spoke of in this post] Its feels weird when he tells me I'm beautiful, because deep down I really don't believe I am. Or it the fact that I'm just not used to HEARING to it being to me with such LOVE. YEAH I think THAT's it. Hearing that feels weird 'cause I don't fully love MYSELF yet to believe I am as sexy as I try to ACT like I am....And it's NOT just about appearance. Too many times I am not sure of my future. Too many time I believe I'm a failure. I know, I know...if you see yourself as a failure, then you will live as a failure. But knowing still isn't helping. I have admitted to my self I have no determination, I will NO drive to do anything unless my hand is forced. How can I fix me NOT having determination with no determination? I am no leader, not even a follower...if I was a follower at least I would be doing SOMETHING. I can tell you that I am black, gay, a male, a country boi(Louisiana) but I don't know WHO I AM! Without knowing THIS you cannot know WHERE you STAND, if you don't know that then how do you know where are you going? [p.s. YES that picture is of me]

WHAT exactly would "seeing into the future" mean for our PRESENT.

Yes I am myself apart of the fan club of  "Wishing I knew my future. " But really though, at the same time I realize that if we even could...should we even? It's simple knowledge that simply knowing out future would in itself alter it. And its so understandable. If we see our future and see that we ARE successful we are gonna get the mentality of "Okay I ain't gotta do shit, I'mma be successful in the future anyways..." Which would destroy our said successful future. But knowing could be a good thing as well though. Like if you saw into your future and saw that you WASN'T successful you would then (or I would hope so) try HARDER and change the things in your life NOW that you believe lead to you NOT being successful. Its could as well make not want to even try, thinking, "What's the point I'm gonna be NOTHING in the future anyways..." So my question to you...would you even WANT to know your future if you could?

God wnt put more on us than we can bare, but the devil DOES

the mistake that ppl make is thinking God controls EVERYTHING…no it is NOT true. God doesn’t conrol when that green turns RED, he does not control everyday events. Its a mixer: God’s Will, man caused events, and then the devil. See ppl FORGET the devil is WORKING just like the Lord is. There are certain obstacles(demons) that are put in our lives because of it. The devil knows us so called “Christians” he knows if he makes your life difficult you would be asking “WHY GOD!” and blame it on the Lord and THEN you HAVE let the devil win. DNT do THAT! Another is like I said MAN CAUSE EVENTS…when God created us, he gave us a mind of out OWN. WITH that mind of our OWN we make our OWN decisions…with the decisions we make, it WILL affect our future. God is here to GUIDE us, NOT live our lives. YES he IS there when we NEED him, but not everything going on in your life is control by him. 

The BEAUTY of Gay Love cannot be measured...

No offense to STR8 couples, but I think its just so much more beautiful to see two guys in love. Being that you KNOW that they have endured more pain & drama from society by them being gay…individually and THEN pain & drama from society becuase they’re together. But regardless of that they REMAIN. Some people will just NEVER understand we have to go through. 

Superman?...

Superman?...No there is NO such thing. You are either a MAN or you are not. If you are not a man then you are still a little boy. Although no one is perfect there is an understanding of what makes a man.

POW...DEFpoetry from Alicia Keys

 

Wishing Upon You...[an Haiku]

I was up all night

Wishing upon a star

Didn’t realize until sun rise

I was looking at a picture

Of you.

I Give In Love.

I give in love, but

Receive in pain, what

Is wrong with this picture

You’re always the go-er

Im always the miss-er

I’m sitting here thinking about you

Am I nowhere in your mind?

Is loving me a crime?

Is so, Am I not good enough

For you to be a felony for?

I’m I not the one man audience

You sing a melody for?

I enjoy my time, with you

I feel, I think, you feel…

Like I’m wasting yours.

I'm on a MISSION...

To get a car[and get my license too for that matter]. At first I wanted a car for obvious reason...to have my own ride. But now it has a deeper more important reason. If I get a car would then I the freedom to travel to Georgia to see this very special, great creation from God I have fallen fall for. I meet this guy on Tumblr. The way I felt in the pas is that it is lame to fall in love with someone over the internet, but now I am not so sure of that. But it's like he is NOT just a guy from the internet. I imagine him as a guy who I have known in my actual life but we've had distance come in-between us, now our only connection is the internet, kinda[he has my cell # :)] We talked a little on Tumblr, migrated to Skype™. From there we had a connection that was conceived ever so quickly. No BULLSHIT, I'm serious. We have so much in common, nobody is perfect, but dammit he seems perfect for me. He is smart, cute, good heart, a good head on his shoulders, with the love I've had such want for. His voice is soft and sweet. It's been two months since we first made our connection and it's steady growing. I been wishing, hoping, and even praying for somebody to love and loves me. And he was brought to me by way of some fucking site?! PLEASE let me SEE HIM, I have to! If fate is not planning for us to then this is CRUEL punishment! This is why I NEED my own car so I can take this "fate" upon my DAMN self and go see my MAN[=)]

STRESS University

I'm sure you all have heard of or experienced the stress of college. It isn't said that college ain't easy to scare anyone, it's because it the TRUTH. I feel like this a WASTE of my time because I do NOT belong here[at a regular ass A&M college]. I belong at an performing arts college, but it's the MONEY holding me back. These bullshit classes I having to waste my time attending "learning" trivial, unnecessarily shit that I won't be using ANYTIME in my life...before I can even begin to have classes in my damn major[oh yes the prerequisites and my major is Mass Comm(and THAT's another issue)].  Oh and let's forget the fact that this school year I was SUPPOSE to an sophomore, but after transferring from an community college [when I was still in my home town] most of my damn hours DID NOT transfer over to this other college. Even though BOTH of these schools are under THE SAME FUCKING UMBRELLA! So I did not have enough hours to be classified as an sophomore    This fucking Math class all this algebraic crap, I have now failed this class twice. Now I NOW everyone has their OWN intelligence...one could major in one and not in other. My intelligence is my creativity, my theology, my wisdom[at an young age] and my philosophy. But yet  still I find myself [and I cannot help it] feeling DUMB in a math class. And then these fucking teachers have this obsession with not allowing the students to use calculators.  And this Freshman Seminar thing...an class that is supposedly is required by this university only, I think. This class is suppose to tell the things you suppose to know as a freshman and "prepare" for college and help you "transition" from high school. Which is bullshit because I am not learning a damn thing worth it in that class. And since this school is over[it's just finals week] I have officially been in college for TWO years. So you understand how PISSED I am to be sitting in a Freshman "Seminar" class. I would have BEEN took the class, but it was so much confusing cause people were telling it wasn't required, then I learn the opposite. UGH!! I just don't know...I AM NOT sure of my future this moment in my life[:(]. But what I'm thinking is I'mma give the college thing ONE more try if I do not succeed next year, I'm quitting school and just WORK and get this money...until I figure out my next move.  

The CRUSH of the Valentine

So remember that guy from high school I told you about here. Well, he finally knows how I feel/felt (WILL explain THAT later) about him...I think. It was fourteenth day of February...Yes you read that right. So I was clearly inspired by all this Valentines day jumbo. On this day I create a "secret admirer" facebook if will, meaning I created it w/ NO info other the needed to create an facebook account[and ALL this done on my PHONE because my laptop was Out of commission] What I did is basically sent him a message from that account...and told my feelings. Has he even READ it?! I don't know, but if he did, then knows...even if he don't know it's me. But there's a PROBLEM! Of course there was info I did not enter, the info I did was gender.  I TRIED to find a way to put THAT on private, you cannot put that on private on facebook. So when I sent him the message I deactivated the account[knowing that he could still see my message] All of this because I didn't want to creep him by letting him KNOW I was a dude[obviously] and I didn't want to lie and make my gender female. ANOTHER problem, because of the fact that I had NO picture[which I realized I shoulda had, a picture of a damn dog or something] the "no picture" anon thingy appears{as seen up top of this post} and THAT things varies based on your gender...if you are a dude THAT shows up. And being that I DID put MALE on gender THAT appeared [:( ] So does he KNOW I'm a dude...probably so. Later on I reactivated the account   JUST to change it to female[ :)] Oh and also in that same month I had the courage the finally add him on my actual facebook.

My Addiction...

Well have a confession. I'm going to tell WHAT kept me away from Blogger for so Long. It was my ADDICTION...addiction to Tumblr(a you can see from the link to the right). Reason is that Tumblr is more of a community. You can communicate with followers of your blog better, more so than here. But it has a FLAW...as everything does. Most people don't CARE about you venting and blogging about your problems, it's more so about the pictures you post and that clever "catch phrases" and quotes you post that get reblogs. Yet still it's a FUN site. I DID miss you[Blogger] so Much. So sit back I got an story to tell...