5.28.2011

I have GROWN so Much

When I think back into the past...the "past" only being within THREE to FOUR  years ago. When I was going through a BIG ass internal WAR within self about my sexuality. Now I feel so much peace in myself...pertaining to my sexuality at least. I am more comfortable with it. I used ask myself IF I would EVER come out, NOW the question is WHEN. I have came out willing to only one person in my actual life [the one I told you all about in this post, and if you read the Other post about her, disregard it/I deleted it. I was speaking from anger and we made up]. And NOW I am seriously thinking about coming out to my mother. I must say myself that I AM moving in the right direction. They say a mother always knows anyway, but to just "know" or THINK is one thing, for me to CONFIRM it is another. To be honest I am not even thinking she won't accept me, but it's just the "taking the risk" of being wrong things being the problem. I remember about a year ago or so...my ma and dad just came from church. I followed her into their bedroom, I asked her how was it. She said, "Good, they had a guess pastor there today..." Ask her what did he talk about, she said BLAH, BLAH..."homosexuality  is a abomination" I was like WHAAAAT?! Now I didn't see any signs that she agreed or not. I know some of these so-called pastors do that, but fortunately I have never actually experienced being indirectly called OUT by a pastor with this ABOMINATION bullshit while at church. I know that shit must fuck up your self-esteem and/or fuck up your emotions. See haven't been to church in a while and I am glad that I didn't go THAT Sunday because I REALLLY WOULD have LEFT during his lil "sermon" I was so bothered I left their bedroom, only to come back a few minutes afterwards. I said to her, "Was that all he talked about?..." She could tell I was bothered. I sat on the the bed, she was already sitting on the bed. Her posture change...it was like she felt that I was surely about to come out to her. She asked me, "What's wrong?" I told that isn't right, he was not preaching SIN, he was preaching homophobia and homophobia is the same as racism. Yea and that was IT...obviously I didn't come out to her that day. But when I think about that day and how she acted like she was SURE I was about to come out...or at least that's what I'm thinking. But yea I am THINKING of coming out to her THIS summer. Will let you all know if I definitely will or not.  Til' then PEACE AND LOVE...A HOMO, hahaha. ;)

2 comments:

ezermenofinart said...

For the record, I hope you do tell her. But that's all up to you*

thegayte-keeper said...

You will tell her when the time is 'right' I remember telling my mother who didn't go crazy or embrace me @ the time...speaking of time it brings all things into focus...just saying.