5.21.2011

I have self-esteem issues




I, I...don't feel beautiful. I mean my family who THINK they know me believe I am conceited. YES I do look into mirror a lot, but what am I looking at? I only feel I'm sexy in the mirror when either the lighting is just right, maybe a new hair cut, or I have shades on. I take a LOT of pictures but I don't like MOST of them. I don't like taking close up pictures where I am looking STRAIGHT AT the camera, AT ALL! But I do it anyways...I am NEVER satisfied with the pic. It always has to be the RIGHT angle, the RIGHT lighting. TRUE beauty shines even in their most unappealing moments right? Oh of course I been called cute a couple times, by FEMALES, but obviously its not the same. Yes I been called cute by guys on the net before, but for the most part they are basing THAT on the RIGHT pic(s) I let them see. But their is this one guy who has TRULY made me feel beautiful [the guy I spoke of in this post] Its feels weird when he tells me I'm beautiful, because deep down I really don't believe I am. Or it the fact that I'm just not used to HEARING to it being to me with such LOVE. YEAH I think THAT's it. Hearing that feels weird 'cause I don't fully love MYSELF yet to believe I am as sexy as I try to ACT like I am....And it's NOT just about appearance. Too many times I am not sure of my future. Too many time I believe I'm a failure. I know, I know...if you see yourself as a failure, then you will live as a failure. But knowing still isn't helping. I have admitted to my self I have no determination, I will NO drive to do anything unless my hand is forced. How can I fix me NOT having determination with no determination? I am no leader, not even a follower...if I was a follower at least I would be doing SOMETHING. I can tell you that I am black, gay, a male, a country boi(Louisiana) but I don't know WHO I AM! Without knowing THIS you cannot know WHERE you STAND, if you don't know that then how do you know where are you going? [p.s. YES that picture is of me]

3 comments:

RichardG said...

I am responding to something you wrote about yourself. First I would like to say thanks for willing to share your very personal thoughts. I am an older gay man that has been around the block a few times, so I felt compelled to respond to your post. I felt the same way you did before I learnt to accept myself as a gay man. It is so hard for Black gay men to find acceptance and love in our community because of our struggle to overcome slavery and racism. Homosexuality has been viewed as a White problem in our community, so homophobia runs deep in our community. I have been called handsome at times by both men and women, but I don’t put to much stock in it. I just say thanks and go on with my life. The most important thing is that you learn to accept and love yourself as a gay man. Many people, including our family will not accept who we are because of their religion, we cannot change that. As the old saying goes, “God grant us the will to change the things that we can change and the will to accept the things that we cannot change”. Please check out my website because it was design to help give young gay men like you guidance and love.

RichardG said...

I forgot to give you the website, please considered adding it to your favorites:
http://blemb.com/gmw

Thanks

thegayte-keeper said...

I LOVING coming here because you write your truth! We all have our issues with our looks, I've been told for years I am hot, I am this n' that now that I am fat(ter) I don't let what I used to look like affect how others see me. It suits me fine ESPECIALLY since 99% of the compliments came from persons wanting something sexual from me...THANKS FOR SHARING A PIC OF YOURSELF BTW!